THE RANCH MALIBU
The Ranch Malibu is the gold-standard when it comes to the results-oriented wellness retreat, and it’s no secret that this is one of my favs.
It is certainly not for the faint of heart nor for those looking for a traditional luxurious stay, but its program is effective and efficient for losing pounds and inches. The daily 4-hour hikes are the staple of the program followed by a low-impact fitness class, restorative yoga and a daily sports massage. The “no options” programming is the same each day, which is great for those who like routine and having the guess work taken out of their daily schedule… not so great for those looking to pick and choose activities or do their own thing. All of the meals are plant-based, so carnivores and ketotarians, beware.
Overall, a great option for those willing to pay a premium to lose weight and unplug.
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The Ranch is well secluded in the Santa Monica mountains a couple miles north of the Malibu coastline. From LAX, it takes just over an hour to get to the property depending on LA traffic. The PCH will get you there most of the way until you hit a curvy, two-lane road, which is a good time to roll down the windows and get some fresh air, especially if you are prone car sickness. From there, it’s about a 15-minute drive up the canyon before entering the Ranch gate. This is the same road you will take most days getting to and from the morning hikes.
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Each of the 20+ rooms are private and offer simple, rustic accommodations. There are no TV’s, no alarm clocks and no coffee makers and Wi-Fi/cell service is pretty much limited to the circumference of your bed. Air conditioning is a must for summer months, while small space heaters are provided for the cooler winter temps. Housekeeping is offered daily, and laundry service is provided Monday – Friday for the 6-night stay. The main Ranch house has a similar aesthetic with a large community dining table and a few couches around the fireplace where guests frequently gather to sip their herbal tea before meals.
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Daily programming includes 4-hour morning hiking excursions + two 45-minute fitness classes + restorative yoga. The hikes are intense and challenging, especially in the summer months when heat becomes a factor, but they can be tailored to all activity levels, and modifications are offered for those who need more or less. The afternoon fitness classes are marginal, low-impact workouts...trainers lately have been hit or miss. The Ranch has missed the mark in recent years with their choice of personal trainers; however, the main yoga instructor, Donna, is exceptional.
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Daily sports massages are included as a part of your stay, and before you question whether a daily massage is necessary, trust me… your body will need it. A small infrared sauna and a cold plunge pool are available for guests to use free of charge, but most other amenities and services will cost you, big time! Cryotherapy is offered for $50 a pop (a service that used to be complimentary), chiropractic services and additional massages run up to $200, and IV therapies for up to $1,500. These are all things I choose to save for home where they are less than half the cost, but plenty of people are willing to pay.
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All meals are plant-based (no meat, dairy, eggs or fish) using ingredients sourced from the Ranch’s onsite certified organic garden and nearby local farms. There is no caffeine, no alcohol, no sugar, and daily calories are limited to 1,400 per day. Morning and afternoon snacks are offered which are generally satisfying and substantial except for the one morning guests receive the infamous “6 almonds”; a touch I like to think the Ranch has kept out of principal and a remembrance of a more rigid dietary structure the program followed in its earlier days. They will provide you with more or less food though if you ask. The red sriracha hot sauce is also a nice touch to add a little extra spice to your meals.
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Think Silicon Valley’s top executives, New York’s biggest investors, and elite Hollywood celebs and influencers. And of course, anyone with a wallet big enough to fit the bill. Along with the weight you shed, the connections you make at the Ranch are hard to beat. With its intimate setting, community-style dining and lengthy group hikes, guests spend a significant amount of time with their fellow program attendees and are able forage meaningful relationships on both a personal and professional level. Celebs and high-profile clientele aside, I have met dear friends at The Ranch (including some of the staff), valuable business connections, and even had a romantic relationship evolve from a Ranch connection. Some weeks are better than others, but the guest list usually does not disappoint.
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Single occupancy accommodations for the standard program 6-night stay start at $8,900, and double-occupancy at $7,600. There has been a significant rate increase over the past 5 years which now includes an automatic 16% gratuity, an option that was previously left to each guest’s discretion. If you’re looking for a private experience or an additional night on either end, rates will jump an additional $1-4k per week, and multi-week stays are offered in the range $18-42k.
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• Results - it works! If you follow the prescribed program without sneaking extra snacks from the garden, expect to shed some serious pounds and inches.
• Year-Long Programming - operations run 52 weeks per year, including all major holidays, so if you’re like me and prefer to escape family drama over the holidays, they’ve got you.
• Networking - opportunities are plentiful. I have had countless doors open for me through connections made at the Ranch along with some lifelong friends.
• Being Forced to Unplug - you mostly have no other choice but to disconnect with the lack of cell service and sub-par Wi-Fi connection (although I think they have made recent improvements based on complaints).
• Consistency – aside from the price hikes, number of rooms and additional offerings, the quality and programming have generally stayed the same since The Ranch was founded.
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• Not Luxurious - the accommodations are pretty damn rustic for what you pay, and there are no bathtubs in the rooms.
• Battle Wounds - expect blisters if your shoes are not broken in and likely some other aches and pains.
• Limited Plan B – usually not a problem for most of the year, but there are not many options to replace the morning hikes if there is inclement weather. I usually pass on hiking in the rain.
• Consistency – while consistency might be welcome for annual returning guests, multi-week stays can feel monotonous with repeat meals, hikes, and programming.
• $$$$ - Extremely expensive add-ons (IV’s that cost over 3x what you can get elsewhere… no thanks). Has definitely become more of a commercialized money-making operation rather than the more personalized, intimate, and exclusive retreat it used to be.
INSIDER TIPS
Request a room at the top of the hill closest to the Ranch house. Otherwise, you are forced to get in extra steps walking up and down a brutally steep hill for every meal. Effie is my favorite.
Speak up if you want more or less food or help yourself to fresh fruit from the garden. The chef and staff are extremely accommodating depending on your specific energy levels or caloric needs.
While the results you might see from multi-week stays are enticing, one week is usually more than enough.
If you decide to skip the hike for the day for whatever reason, they will lend you a Jeep to drive down to the beach if it’s not otherwise being used.
Ask for the red sriracha hot sauce for a little extra kick to your meals…the orange habanero is good too but packs a stronger punch.
Guests who attend the cooking demo receive an extra snack.
Sit in the front seat of the vans if you are prone to car sickness.
Skip the afternoon workouts and lay by the pool instead if you’re not feeling up for it. The “no options” programming is more of a suggestion rather than a rule. Make the program work for you.